As a psychologist, author, and world renowned relationship expert, Dr. Tracy Dalgliesh helps couples improve their relationships, tackle resentment, heal old patterns and feel happy again.
There’s a lot to love about the holidays. (Do you want to build a snowman?) There’s a lot to negotiate, too. (Is everyone staying with grandma this year?) If you’re anything like us, you might have a couples therapist on speed dial, so that you can manage the holiday stress with, and not against, your partner. And if you don’t already have a couples therapist who can help you when dealing with holiday stress, well right this way.
Meet Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, psychologist and author of I Didn’t Sign Up for This: A Couples Therapist Shares Real-Life Stories of Breaking Patterns and Finding Joy in Relationships . . . Including Her Own. According to Dr. Tracy, two of the bigger stress points couples face this time of year center around 1) planning for and meeting everybody's needs and 2) the mental load. (Who's doing what? How and how soon are they doing it?) Here, she shares her advice on managing holiday stress and other common concerns, so you and your loved one can find the fun and connection in the holiday season.
1. Prioritize what’s important to you—and let go of the rest
It’s easy during the holidays to take on all the things and end up feeling stretched thin, especially when faced with a packed schedule of holiday activities. Dr. Tracy suggests that you and your partner decide together where you’d like to put your energy this year, whether it's a specific holiday gathering or something else meaningful to you. And it’s 100 percent fine to skip out on tasks that spike your stress level or events that are less meaningful to you.
“Think of the big categories—gift giving, entertaining, events,” says Dr. Tracy. “Step back and ask yourselves the larger question: What’s important to us as a family this holiday season? I think of the years where the kids are under five and traveling might be harder, so maybe you decide not to travel so much. Or maybe instead of sending out individual holiday cards, you put family pictures into an email or Paperless Post. It's not realistic for families to do everything every year. Instead, it’s about asking, What do we need to prune so that we don't end up being stressed?”
2. Divvy up holiday tasks equitably
It’s nice to share the load, and it helps when you like what you’re in charge of. So when dividing up holiday responsibilities—whether it’s preparing holiday meals, putting up holiday decorations, or managing other holiday preparation tasks—Dr. Tracy suggests deciding on tasks depending on what each of your strengths are and what you like and don’t like to do. “Again, it comes back to checking in with each other and finding systems, strategies and deadlines that feel good to both people,” she says.
3. Approach tricky family dynamics as a team.
The holidays may find you hosting or being hosted by friends and family who are a less than harmonious fit. How do you handle these situations with grace while maintaining healthy boundaries?
“As partners, we often see each other as playing singles tennis,” says Dr. Tracy. “The ball is coming at you and you’re ready to bat it back. Instead, we need to be playing doubles tennis. Remember that you’re a team. Consider the problem ahead of you. Maybe you only want to stay at your mother-in-law’s for one night instead of three, and you say, ‘Okay, what can we do together to figure this out?’ And that really requires partners to say, ‘You're important to me. I get that this is not what you want. We're going to find a solution.’
It’s about validating your partner's experience and trying to be on the same page. And then you can communicate from a united front perspective. So you might tell people, ‘What works best for our family is this.’ Those moments of connection and teamwork, that’s where couples really start to thrive.”
4. Routines might shift a little during the holidays—and that’s okay.
Another common cause of stress during the holidays? When combining households, schedules will sometimes conflict and disrupt your daily routine. Where you’re staying is noisier than your house, so your child’s bedtime ends up later. Or you love your parents’ big family dinners, but they happen an hour after your child usually eats, creating potential stress triggers.
Dr. Tracy advises you to ask yourself what you’re willing to be flexible on, and what is important to you. So for example, if everybody being together at the family table brings positive emotion and is meaningful, then you might be giving baby a little bit of a snack ahead of time, so that you're not completely changing their meal schedule. “When we slow things down, that’s when we come into what's really important,” she says.
5. Look for little ways to connect.
When life gets busy, your connections will often come from small moments, says Dr. Tracy. “They might be in how you start your morning or end your day,” she says. “And it's not a lot of time. Maybe it’s holding hands in the car ride with the kids or sending a ‘thinking-of-you’ text. Small moments are about expressing appreciation and gratitude for being in the holiday season together.”
Having a partner by your side can make a big difference in helping this time of year feel approachable, connected, and fun. So break out the hot cocoa and know that you’ve got this—together.
